Two wives are buying gulay in the local market.
Wife 1: You know mare, whenever I see a potato naaalala ko ang itlog ng mister ko.
Wife 2: Bakit??? Ganyan ba kalaki???
Wife 1: Hindi, ganyan kadumi!!!

ANO SA ENGLISH TO?

Ang English ng nagpakamatay, Suicide.
Namatay sa bahay, Homicide.
Namatay dahil sa daga, Pesticide.
Namatay na magkatabi, Sidebyside.
Namatay habang nakikipagtalik, Insexticide.

ENGLISH TO PINOY TRANSALATION

Aspect: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo
City: bago mag-ocho
Deduct: ang bibe
Defeat: ang paa
Deposit: ang gripo
Detail: ang buntot
Devastation: istasyon ng bus
Effort: kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane
Melt: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon
Persuading: unang kasal
Predicate: pakawalan mo ang pusa
Statue: ikaw ba ‘yan?

A nurse who works in America, New York to be exact, wanted to
make an overseas phone call to the Philippines, so she dialed
the operator…

Nurse: “Operator I would like to place an overseas call to the Philippines “.

Operator: “OK, miss, what is your name?”

Nurse: “Maria Quintero”

Operator: “Could you please spell your last name Maria?”

Nurse: “Ok, Quintero…
Q as in Cuba …
U as in Europe …
I as in eyebrow…
N as in pneumonia…
T as in ptyalin…
E as in India …
R as in Argentina …
O as in Australia .

ANONG MABILIS PUMUTI…

Tanong: Anong mabilis pumuti, buhok sa itaas o buhok sa ibaba?
Sagot: Buhok sa itaas - kase ang buhok sa itaas puro problema, pero ang buhok sa ibaba puro ligaya…

ERAP JOKES…
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na..
FPJ: Okay…
(Umakyat at pinisil ang bunga)
FPJ: Oo pare hinog na…
Erap: Sige baba ka na, sungkitin natin

Birthday ni Erap…

FVR: Erap, may gift ako para sa’yo, galing pa ng India!
It’s a 10 ft. Snake…

Erap: Niloloko mo ba ako?!…10 ft.?,
Hoy di ako ganon ka tanga!. Ang Snake walang FEET!

MEETING WITH VISITING PRESIDENTS…

President ng Russia, America at walang iba ang Philippines !!!

Etong tatlong presidents hangang hanga sa sarili nila nagpayabangan sila sa isa’t isa:

Mr. president of Russia :
WE ARE THE FIRST IN SPACE !!!

Mr. president ng America :
We are first in the moon !!!

Erap-presidente ng philippines :
We will BE the first in the sun !!!

“Nagtataka ang dalawa at tinanung si Erap kung panu magagawa ng pilipino yon….”
Sagot ni erap “WE ARE NOT STUPID, WE WILL GO THERE AT NIGHT

It is said that there is a magic mirror in Malacanang that slaps anybody who tells a lie.

Sen. Juan Flavier passed by the mirror and said “I think I’m tall,” and the mirror slapped him.

Then came President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. “I think I’m the prettiest woman in the Philippines,”
and the mirror slapped her.

Then passed President Erap and said “I think . . .,” and the mirror slapped him.

Related Posts

• February 6, 2010 — Three Feelings
• January 13, 2010 — Aling Dionisia and Pakman Joks
• January 11, 2010 — Kodigo
• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking
• December 10, 2009 — Hindi Lahat

The popular bun comes in three flavors; fire floss (spicy pork), hot chic (spicy chicken) and the cheese floss (regular pork). The bread is sprinkled with finely shredded floss of chicken and pork meat on top of a sweet glazed bun. It is very fluffy, a single bread is probably not enough to fill you up, specially with that bread so delicious. But it is definitely tasty almost like having a dessert and main dish with the sweetness of the glaze and the big taste of the meat floss in one. It is a very satisfying and interesting take on the sometimes bland and boring bun. The aroma lures you inside the Breadtalk, which looks more like a jewelry shop with breads and pastries brightly illuminated like jewelries and shiny accessories. Glass covered panes serve as show window on how to’s while the bakers make the live preparation of Breadtalk’s famous breads.

Related Posts

• September 2, 2009 — Miracles at San Miguel by the Bay
• August 2, 2009 — Free Driving Lessons at San Miguel By the Bay
• May 10, 2009 — Art Junk from Manila
• April 21, 2009 — Pinoy Cyclists Promote Pedal Power
• April 3, 2009 — Aling Tonya’s Seafood Palutuan

It is close to the ABS-CBN studio - if that is anything interesting to you. The spa theme is very pinoy with the prominent use of dark wooden decors, tribal figurines, intricate carvings on the walls, ornaments or knick knacks made of native materials, pots and vases, another figure noticeable is the old and antiquated side doors which according to the receptionist is a door of a Quiapo church. I saw some nude paintings on the wall which I think were made by famous Filipino artists. On the second floor, the theme doesn’t seem to be consistent though, I think it was more mix modern, retro and traditional. Another plus, I like that the bathroom is clean. I mean, it’s hotel clean.

When I enter a spa, I really like someone to approach me at the door and make me feel really welcomed. When a guest enters a door, you don’t want him or her to feel like he or she is approaching the office receptionist and asking for Mr Hotshot for a job interview. I didn’t feel that welcoming vibe here at Sanctuario, but maybe it’s just me.

I tried the usual and the only kind of massage I am most familiar with, the Swedish deep tissue massage - to relieve my body aches and pains from the long hours of working on the computer and intense and competitive play of tennis during weekends. I spent about P900 for the full body massage and about P700 for the foot spa.

I am looking forward to trying acupressure, acupuncture or even the ‘hilot’ and ‘albularyo’ treatment. Hey, in the US, I’ve had five different chiropractors and physical therapists in five years and it still hasn’t alleviated my lower back pain. I’ll stop being cynical about it, maybe the local and indigenous methods will do wonders for me.

Another plus for this spa is the website. Sanctuario spa really presents itself very well at http://sanctuariospa.com

Related Posts

• March 28, 2009 — Spa + Buffet
• October 18, 2008 — Scents and Touch Spa, Manila

Sulat ng isang anak, sa Daddy niya na OFW:
Dear Dad,
Thanks sa padala mo. Happy si Nene kasi tobleron baon nya sa skul. Yung nike suot na ni Junior. Next time, huwag ka na magpadala ng NIVEA MILK, di nila type kasi mapait daw… ako tuloy ang umubos.

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello…. may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

Erap dreamed that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai-ai delas Alas as partner, saying, ‘Kung mabait ka sana , mas maganda ang partner mo.’ Erap saw Chavit with Gretchen Barretto and said, ‘Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?’ St. Peter: Iho, parusa yan kay Gretchen.

Prospective Employer to Applicant: ” So why did you leave your previous job?”
Applicant: ” The company relocated and they did not tell me where!”

Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: ‘Execute all 3 copies together with your wife…’

Ano ang nagpasikat kay Erap? Wristband.
Ano ang magpapayaman kay Abalos? Broadband.
Ano ang magpapabagsak kay GMA? Husband!

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

Sa morgue…
Pedro: Boss, noong nilinis ko ‘yung bangkay ng babae, napansin ko, may hipon yung ari niya!
Amo: Patingin nga…. Tanga! Hindi hipon ‘yan! Tinggil ‘yan!
Pedro: Ganoon ba? Eh kasi, lasang hipon!

Usapan ng tatlong lalaki…
Tulume: Ang tanga ng misis ko. Bumili ng answering machine, wala naman kaming telepono.
Juan: Mas tanga ang misis ko. Bumili ng scanner, wala naman kaming computer.
Kulas: Pinakatanga ang misis ko. Lagi siyang may condom sa bag, wala naman siyang titi.

BF: May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman…
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD!

Kumpisal…
Lalaki: Kasalanan ho bang ikaskas ko ang ari ko sa ari ng tsimay namin? Kaskas lang ho, hindi ko ipinasok.
Pari: Pag kaskas, para mo na ring ipinasok.
Lalaki: Ganoon ho ba? Ikakaskas ko na lang ang pera ko sa donation box. Parehas lang pala iyon!

Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko…
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.

Old man: Can you give me an erection?
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I’m sorry I cannot raise the “dead”.

I thought my life is lonely till I saw a man with no arms but happily shakes his body.
I asked him: “You don’t have an arm, why are you! so happy?”
He answered: “di ako happy, makati lang itlog ko!”

Related Posts

• March 2, 2010 — Itlog
• January 13, 2010 — Aling Dionisia and Pakman Joks
• January 11, 2010 — Kodigo
• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking
• December 10, 2009 — Hindi Lahat

Related Posts

• No Related Post

Related Posts

• January 18, 2009 — Thriller
• January 18, 2009 — Newsmakers of 2008

Some delightful surprises from a travel also arise alongside the road when you least expect it. I was taking pictures of the corns being sold at the road side stands in Silang Tagaytay when i noticed a little girl peeping through the pile of corns. She was hiding from the back. She looked shy, but she was smiling and looked oh so cute.

‘Halika sama ka sa picture.’ The smile grew bigger and bigger and before i knew it, she was right in front of the corn stand, striking a pose for a photo shoot.

It is one of the most unforgettable shots i have taken during my vacation in the Philippines in February of 2009. As a matter of fact, i made the photo one of my profile pictures in Facebook. I thought i have captured a lot in the frame. The sweet corns, beauty, innocence, calm and happiness despite poverty.

To this date, the picture still makes me smile.

Related Posts

• No Related Post

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–
 
Pacman:  Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?
Aling Dionisia:  Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan,
TURTA!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–
 
Reporter:  Nung nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
Manny:  Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
Reporter:  Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
Manny:  Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–
 
Dionesia:  Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
Doctor (gulat)  magpapasexsi ka na?
Dionesia:  Breast sa ngipen ba. Para umayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——–

Aling Dionisia:  Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.
Inday:  Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?
Aling Dionisia:  Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.

Related Posts

• March 2, 2010 — Itlog
• February 6, 2010 — Three Feelings
• January 11, 2010 — Kodigo
• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking
• December 10, 2009 — Hindi Lahat

GMA
Dumalaw si GMA sa mental hospital…
Dok: Let’s welcome President Arroyo!
Pumalakpak lahat ng pasyente maliban sa isa na nasa sulok…
GMA: O, dok, bakit ‘yung isa, hindi pumalakpak?
Dok: Ma’am, magaling na po siya!

Mamili ka
Mister: Anong tanghalian natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa! Bahala ka nang mamili!
Mister: Isang tuyo?! Anong pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Mamili ka… kakain ka o hindi?

Plantsa
Dok: Ano’ng nangyari sa tenga mo?
Joshue: Nama-mlantsa kasi ako nang kumiriring ang telepono. Aksidenteng
na-pick up ko ‘yung plantsa.
Dok: Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo ang nagkaganyan?
Joshue: Ang gago, tumawag uli!

 Minsan

Minsan, sa aking pag-iisa, naalala kita…
Inisip kong nasa tabi lang kita at tayo’y nagsasaya. Tapos, bigla kang
umalis.
Nalungkot ako.
Akala ko, iiwan mo na ako. Uutot ka lang pala, tinakot mo pa ako!

PALIMOS
Pulubi: Palimos po, maawa na kayo.
Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?
Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.
Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko
ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo.

ALITAPTAP
Anak: ‘tay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!
Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
(Pagkapatay ng ilaw, dumating naman ang mga alitaptap.)
Anak: Hala ka, ‘tay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!

SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao, ‘yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. ‘Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Oho, may itlog po sa loob.

Related Posts

• March 2, 2010 — Itlog
• February 6, 2010 — Three Feelings
• January 13, 2010 — Aling Dionisia and Pakman Joks
• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking
• December 10, 2009 — Hindi Lahat

Let me recall what stood out in 2009:

Starting with the feel good news towards the end of the year. There was the continued rise to stratosphere of fame and fortune of Manny Pacquiao after his phenomenal victory against Miguel Cotto – the fight which I didn’t get to see because no one or no party has invited me to watch it in their house on Pay-per-view. The opportunities for him seem endless; in politics, showbiz, singing, and yes, starlets… he can afford to have an affair to many of them… name it.

The surprise win of Efren Panaflorida as 2009 CNN Hero of the Year besting other deserving international candidates. Efren Penaflorida and his group, the Dynamic Teen Company, provide an alternative to gang membership through his ‘Kariton Klasroom’ that brings around books and other teaching materials to impoverished kids in Cavite. Efren’s quotable quote “I always tell my volunteers that you are the change that you dream and I am the change that I dream. And collectively we are the change that this world needs to be.”

The Hayden Kho-Katrina Halili video scandal dominated most of the news during the first half of 2009. At that time, it was probably the only Philippine news I read from top to bottom, while the Hayden and Maricar Reyes video is the only Tagalog (reality) movie I saw from beginning to ending. The Kho-Halili court room drama rivals the best top rating reality show on TV in America. So where is Hayden now? Nakulong na ba to? What about Katrina? I do applaud how Katrina handled the repercussions of her relationship missteps-gone-wild. She stood up and fought Hayden and his demons in the open and made her story a lesson for other unsuspecting women, turning tragedy into triumph. Atta girl!

The H1N1 outbreak, more popularly known as swine flu, became a convenient excuse to call in sick in the office. Even here in the US, I’ve used it once when I had a cold and i thought i had the flu. My manager said, ‘Ah ok. Just make sure the doctor clears you before you report back to the office. Get well. Click!’

The devastation brought by Typhoon Ondoy and the succeeding typhoons were probably the most heart wrenching news story back home. Each day we tune in to news, it becomes more painful as you see pictures and video snippets of floodings, rescue efforts and increasing death tolls. On the lighter side of the news was the efforts of Filipinos abroad who found their inner heroes and mobilized relief operations and gathered donations to be sent to the Philippines. It was like kababayan people power all over the world.

The Ampatuan Massacre was horrific beyond belief as we discovered the details how the crime was carried out. Kahit impiyerno baka hindi tanggapin ang mga taong gumawa ng crime na to.

Social Networking Sites. Facebook, Twitter and online voting. Do we need to mention how tech-savvy Filipinos are? Well, with a little more push, we can probably win every Miss Photogenic award in International beauty contests, force Desperate Housewives producers to edit a TV show for any racially offensive lines in the script. What about Facebook? Some people I tried to avoid in Friendster have now befriended me in Facebook. (hey i’m just kidding friends! :-))

Filipinos mourned the death of the late former President Cory Aquino at the age of 76 on August 1, 2009. She is remembered for the peaceful 1986 revolution. We all wept with Kris Aquino as she delivered her heartfelt eulogy recounting the ordeal that each member of the Aquino family went thru during the beloved president’s last hours of life. The eulogy also served as the first shout out about Noynoy’s candidacy when she said to Noynoy ‘Ikaw at ako ang nasa posisyon para ipagpatuloy ang lahat ng kanilang nasimulan.’

A few days before we closeout on 2009, Catalyn B ferry sank at Manila Bay and then within a few days, a roll-on roll-off ferry sank off Batangas province.

Impending Mayon volcanic eruption threatened the lives of more than 50,000 people as the majestic volcano started emitting sulfur gas and spewing lava. As of this writing, it seems that God answered our prayers as the rumblings have settled down a little bit and seems to have aborted another calamity in volcanic proportion. If anything, the volcano became a spectacular backdrop for the holidays with the incandescent materials cascading down the slopes of the volcano. Hopefully the Mayon stays as an impending activity and eventually settles down lest eruption becomes one of the major newsmakers of 2010.

There, you have some of the most compelling news of 2009. It is both emotionally and financially difficult for most us with all the disasters and the economic recession. Which one is most unforgettable for you?

As we usher in the new year, let’s all hope we keep our jobs, good health, patience and optimism about the future.

Stay away from rumbling volcanoes and accident prone ferries for now.

Happy New Year to all! I wish you all a safer 2010!

Bong
bong@butikilyo.com

Related Posts

• December 1, 2009 — Filipino Efren Penaflorida is CNN Hero of 2009
• December 1, 2009 — Interview with the CNN Hero
• May 5, 2009 — Pacquiao vs Hatton Highlights
• January 18, 2009 — Newsmakers of 2008