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Visit the website: http://www.thelibrary.com.ph/press19.php

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Husband: Nothing.

Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

———— ——— ——— -

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
———— ——— ——— -

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’

Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’

Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

———— ——— ——— -

Stress Reliever

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

———— ——— ———

Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing..’

Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

———— ——— ——— -

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

———— ——— ——— -

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’
———— ——— ——— -

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’.

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• March 2, 2010 — Itlog
• February 6, 2010 — Three Feelings
• January 13, 2010 — Aling Dionisia and Pakman Joks
• January 11, 2010 — Kodigo
• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking

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A blue lagoon hidden and surrounded by dramatic rock formations and small mountains in Coron Island, Palawan.

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Two wives are buying gulay in the local market.
Wife 1: You know mare, whenever I see a potato naaalala ko ang itlog ng mister ko.
Wife 2: Bakit??? Ganyan ba kalaki???
Wife 1: Hindi, ganyan kadumi!!!

ANO SA ENGLISH TO?

Ang English ng nagpakamatay, Suicide.
Namatay sa bahay, Homicide.
Namatay dahil sa daga, Pesticide.
Namatay na magkatabi, Sidebyside.
Namatay habang nakikipagtalik, Insexticide.

ENGLISH TO PINOY TRANSALATION

Aspect: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo
City: bago mag-ocho
Deduct: ang bibe
Defeat: ang paa
Deposit: ang gripo
Detail: ang buntot
Devastation: istasyon ng bus
Effort: kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane
Melt: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon
Persuading: unang kasal
Predicate: pakawalan mo ang pusa
Statue: ikaw ba ‘yan?

A nurse who works in America, New York to be exact, wanted to
make an overseas phone call to the Philippines, so she dialed
the operator…

Nurse: “Operator I would like to place an overseas call to the Philippines “.

Operator: “OK, miss, what is your name?”

Nurse: “Maria Quintero”

Operator: “Could you please spell your last name Maria?”

Nurse: “Ok, Quintero…
Q as in Cuba …
U as in Europe …
I as in eyebrow…
N as in pneumonia…
T as in ptyalin…
E as in India …
R as in Argentina …
O as in Australia .

ANONG MABILIS PUMUTI…

Tanong: Anong mabilis pumuti, buhok sa itaas o buhok sa ibaba?
Sagot: Buhok sa itaas - kase ang buhok sa itaas puro problema, pero ang buhok sa ibaba puro ligaya…

ERAP JOKES…
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na..
FPJ: Okay…
(Umakyat at pinisil ang bunga)
FPJ: Oo pare hinog na…
Erap: Sige baba ka na, sungkitin natin

Birthday ni Erap…

FVR: Erap, may gift ako para sa’yo, galing pa ng India!
It’s a 10 ft. Snake…

Erap: Niloloko mo ba ako?!…10 ft.?,
Hoy di ako ganon ka tanga!. Ang Snake walang FEET!

MEETING WITH VISITING PRESIDENTS…

President ng Russia, America at walang iba ang Philippines !!!

Etong tatlong presidents hangang hanga sa sarili nila nagpayabangan sila sa isa’t isa:

Mr. president of Russia :
WE ARE THE FIRST IN SPACE !!!

Mr. president ng America :
We are first in the moon !!!

Erap-presidente ng philippines :
We will BE the first in the sun !!!

“Nagtataka ang dalawa at tinanung si Erap kung panu magagawa ng pilipino yon….”
Sagot ni erap “WE ARE NOT STUPID, WE WILL GO THERE AT NIGHT

It is said that there is a magic mirror in Malacanang that slaps anybody who tells a lie.

Sen. Juan Flavier passed by the mirror and said “I think I’m tall,” and the mirror slapped him.

Then came President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. “I think I’m the prettiest woman in the Philippines,”
and the mirror slapped her.

Then passed President Erap and said “I think . . .,” and the mirror slapped him.

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• April 20, 2010 — Marriage Humour
• February 6, 2010 — Three Feelings
• January 13, 2010 — Aling Dionisia and Pakman Joks
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• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking

The popular bun comes in three flavors; fire floss (spicy pork), hot chic (spicy chicken) and the cheese floss (regular pork). The bread is sprinkled with finely shredded floss of chicken and pork meat on top of a sweet glazed bun. It is very fluffy, a single bread is probably not enough to fill you up, specially with that bread so delicious. But it is definitely tasty almost like having a dessert and main dish with the sweetness of the glaze and the big taste of the meat floss in one. It is a very satisfying and interesting take on the sometimes bland and boring bun. The aroma lures you inside the Breadtalk, which looks more like a jewelry shop with breads and pastries brightly illuminated like jewelries and shiny accessories. Glass covered panes serve as show window on how to’s while the bakers make the live preparation of Breadtalk’s famous breads.

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• April 3, 2009 — Aling Tonya’s Seafood Palutuan

It is close to the ABS-CBN studio - if that is anything interesting to you. The spa theme is very pinoy with the prominent use of dark wooden decors, tribal figurines, intricate carvings on the walls, ornaments or knick knacks made of native materials, pots and vases, another figure noticeable is the old and antiquated side doors which according to the receptionist is a door of a Quiapo church. I saw some nude paintings on the wall which I think were made by famous Filipino artists. On the second floor, the theme doesn’t seem to be consistent though, I think it was more mix modern, retro and traditional. Another plus, I like that the bathroom is clean. I mean, it’s hotel clean.

When I enter a spa, I really like someone to approach me at the door and make me feel really welcomed. When a guest enters a door, you don’t want him or her to feel like he or she is approaching the office receptionist and asking for Mr Hotshot for a job interview. I didn’t feel that welcoming vibe here at Sanctuario, but maybe it’s just me.

I tried the usual and the only kind of massage I am most familiar with, the Swedish deep tissue massage - to relieve my body aches and pains from the long hours of working on the computer and intense and competitive play of tennis during weekends. I spent about P900 for the full body massage and about P700 for the foot spa.

I am looking forward to trying acupressure, acupuncture or even the ‘hilot’ and ‘albularyo’ treatment. Hey, in the US, I’ve had five different chiropractors and physical therapists in five years and it still hasn’t alleviated my lower back pain. I’ll stop being cynical about it, maybe the local and indigenous methods will do wonders for me.

Another plus for this spa is the website. Sanctuario spa really presents itself very well at http://sanctuariospa.com

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Sulat ng isang anak, sa Daddy niya na OFW:
Dear Dad,
Thanks sa padala mo. Happy si Nene kasi tobleron baon nya sa skul. Yung nike suot na ni Junior. Next time, huwag ka na magpadala ng NIVEA MILK, di nila type kasi mapait daw… ako tuloy ang umubos.

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello…. may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

Erap dreamed that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai-ai delas Alas as partner, saying, ‘Kung mabait ka sana , mas maganda ang partner mo.’ Erap saw Chavit with Gretchen Barretto and said, ‘Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?’ St. Peter: Iho, parusa yan kay Gretchen.

Prospective Employer to Applicant: ” So why did you leave your previous job?”
Applicant: ” The company relocated and they did not tell me where!”

Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: ‘Execute all 3 copies together with your wife…’

Ano ang nagpasikat kay Erap? Wristband.
Ano ang magpapayaman kay Abalos? Broadband.
Ano ang magpapabagsak kay GMA? Husband!

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

Sa morgue…
Pedro: Boss, noong nilinis ko ‘yung bangkay ng babae, napansin ko, may hipon yung ari niya!
Amo: Patingin nga…. Tanga! Hindi hipon ‘yan! Tinggil ‘yan!
Pedro: Ganoon ba? Eh kasi, lasang hipon!

Usapan ng tatlong lalaki…
Tulume: Ang tanga ng misis ko. Bumili ng answering machine, wala naman kaming telepono.
Juan: Mas tanga ang misis ko. Bumili ng scanner, wala naman kaming computer.
Kulas: Pinakatanga ang misis ko. Lagi siyang may condom sa bag, wala naman siyang titi.

BF: May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman…
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD!

Kumpisal…
Lalaki: Kasalanan ho bang ikaskas ko ang ari ko sa ari ng tsimay namin? Kaskas lang ho, hindi ko ipinasok.
Pari: Pag kaskas, para mo na ring ipinasok.
Lalaki: Ganoon ho ba? Ikakaskas ko na lang ang pera ko sa donation box. Parehas lang pala iyon!

Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko…
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.

Old man: Can you give me an erection?
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I’m sorry I cannot raise the “dead”.

I thought my life is lonely till I saw a man with no arms but happily shakes his body.
I asked him: “You don’t have an arm, why are you! so happy?”
He answered: “di ako happy, makati lang itlog ko!”

Related Posts

• April 20, 2010 — Marriage Humour
• March 2, 2010 — Itlog
• January 13, 2010 — Aling Dionisia and Pakman Joks
• January 11, 2010 — Kodigo
• December 15, 2009 — Dead Ladies Talking

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