Soldier Bag
August 25, 2009 by orlando
Filed under Pinoy Jokes and Trivias
Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
Junior: Ok nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER BAG ko.
street Vendor : “bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!”
gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!
Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di paki gawa na lang ang hagdan natin..
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis si husband, pagbalik gawa ng lahat ang sira sa
bahay. tinanong niya ang wife kung sino ang gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko ang daming sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake him a cake.
husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!
ANG MARRIED LIFE….
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
“HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!”
Husband: “Parati na lang tayong nag-aaway! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!”
Wife: “Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!”
Husband: “Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!”
Wife: “Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!”
Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, I am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife
and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!
Friend: “Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!”
Husband: “Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!”
Friend: “Surprise? Anong occasion?”
Husband: “Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!”
Health Advisory: “Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women.
After 5 pints…. men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!”
WIFE: I’m warning you! Parating na ang husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wa la naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sinunod ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya “GO TO HELL”, kaya eto – uwi agad ako..
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na
to, let’s make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.
HE HE HE HE !!!!
Population policies of countries:
China Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
RUSSIAN: we’re 1st in space
USA : we’re 1st in the moon
ERAP: we’ll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can’t go there, you’ll burn
ERAP: we’re not stupid, we’ll go there at NIGHT!
Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano : Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano : Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!
Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
Loi: San ang balitang yan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; “British tourist lost 2000 pounds.”
MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator):Name?
Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.
MMDA: Ahhh okay…(sabay tago ticket)…Next time be careful, ok?
BF: Sunduin kita mamaya ha. Bubusina nalang ako pag nasa harap nako ng bahay nyo.
GF: Cge. Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?
BF: Wala. Busina lang…
Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard…
Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis ko nalang ang mag-apply?
Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO. But….when HE cancels a date…..he HAS TWO.
Pasyente: magkano ang facelift?
Doktora : complete treatment ay P145,000
Pasyente: mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata?
Doktora : heto tsupon, P20 lang!!
ORDER
Customer: waiter! bakit ang tagal ng order ko? ilan ang cook nyo dito?
Waiter: ay, sir, wala pu kame cuk dito…pipse lang po!!
PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente: Doc, may problema ako…tuwing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako….
Doktor: so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente: Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.
CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. Lady sitting next asked, “are they your babies?”
Man: “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!”
ACCIDENT
A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection. With his urge to get into the thick crowd and see the action, he shouted, “I’M THE SON OF THE VICTIM.”
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through.
There he saw, bloody and helpless lying in front of the people…a pig bumped by a trailer truck!
PINTURA
Erap: Honey, nagpintura ako ng banyo.
Loi: Bakit dalawa ang suot mong jacket, ang init, init !!!
Erap: Sabi kasi sa label, for best results put on 2 coats.
MANNY PAKYAW
Reporter: Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na?
Manny: Ano’ng yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawa’t round sa bukseng?
your jokes are really fun sna gwa pa keo more funny but theres a sense jokes well i have nothing more to say i’ll just keep on waiting to your next issues! more power